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THE WISDOM OF STEVEN WRIGHT 
Misc. Jokes
WRIGHT


I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there,
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says
you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says
"1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back
the entire area was missing.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his

money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in...

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had
to buy them again...

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen,
why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I
want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How
long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar
has no 'seven's on it."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new
song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here,
you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy,
were they mad!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening
in front of it in only eight minutes...

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in
time.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought
anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency
Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does
he become disoriented?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't
tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's
good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So
she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only
like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said,
"Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?
I don't get it...

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


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