Reporter, has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books (Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court).
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only
kind I know.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way ...