|Actual article from the LA Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burn Unit of the Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.", he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn,
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.
EDITOR'S NOTES: Top Ten Scariest Things about this story....
10) " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9) " So I peered in to the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being
shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh
after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into
my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
and saying "Well Doc, it's like this, you see we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took a cardboard tube..."
4) "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki", which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
white man who inserts rodents up his butt".
2) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.
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