|HEAVEN OR HELL?
|This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears
this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so
she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that,"
he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling
holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit
upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts
again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She
calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman
now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to
attach the halo." The woman decides that she wants out and tells St.
Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.
"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place,
you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's
okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"
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The New Preist and His Mistakes
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."