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BECAUSE I'M A MAN...
Men vs. Women Jokes
(I can't help myself)
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may
miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we
call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know
these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene
product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger I mean, how the hell could he know
where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I
have to make up something else when you ask, so don't
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't
forget to pick up something for my mommy, too!
Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing,
" one more beer and I really have to go, "
and mean it every single time I say it,
even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my
buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll
be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the
connection?
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, yes,
I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen
or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think
what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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