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DUBIOS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS 
Idiots Jokes
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
dubious distinctions.

Tortoise Trophy
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen
stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital
letters
the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very
bright young man."

Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat,
but
became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began
screaming
"Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having
beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat.
Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his
ID
tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New
York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on.
Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter,
Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

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