|RETIRE TO THE HOLIDAY INN
The Eldery Jokes
|Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as
everyone does when they hit 45. I saw an article about nursing and retirement
homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my
plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a
better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior
discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast,
lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave
enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a
swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get
free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a
customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus
will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on
Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one
of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent
nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation
today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to
Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs
need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and
apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily
room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the
undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for
the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit
you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the
pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits
that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers,
reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone
calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and
exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on
the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free
program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner
with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you
company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about
unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go,
the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in
your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your
electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility
of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of
us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We
could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! "So, when I reach the
golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the
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The new nervous priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go