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Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being
kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out
50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that
if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer
brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad
men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their
child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me
the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone
you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!
What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who
have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe
the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize
me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5
A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing
to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096
people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because,

THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at
you for sending them a stupid chain letter

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!


Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless
Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no
way of counting letters sent and this is all bull.
So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and
reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die
Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works.
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible
will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some
people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to
suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day
for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.


Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your

* A friend is someone who is always at your side,
* A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
* A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
* A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
* A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your
loser life,
* A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you
should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
* A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the
cleaning lady,
* A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his
wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild muts


There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send
it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise
forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but
why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.

If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people
feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or
(i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say,

"You can't be king of the world if you're a slave to the grind."

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