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PHILOSOPHY 
Misc. Jokes
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
--Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
--George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself.
--MarkTwain

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
--Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
--Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
--Marilyn Pittman

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end.
--Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'
--Richard Jeni



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