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IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN 
Men vs. Women Jokes
Dear Abby:

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid
he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to
increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few
other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook
him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from
being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why
not have some cousins get involved? If you are still apprehensive,
then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of
his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your
figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man
knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex on him is totally
selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he
loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family
budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and
to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your
man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have
no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his
love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure
on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you
that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort'
the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice,
expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you
do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot
to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make
it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a
nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't
mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a
nice expensive present . . . and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.


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